And yet again in the midst of life

My father and I have had so little contact with him since 1974 when I left home to marry Glyn and my whole adult life has been lived without him, or his influence. And yet, and yet....when I think of my life, my values, dislike of hypocrisy, belief in hard work, education, and all manner of other attributes that I may not yet recognise as belonging to him, I think I carried his influence with me for many years.

I have missed having my parents and family around me. I will explore all this as I begin to write my memoir at last, but here is a space in which to think about everything.

In the midst of life...

Joseph's Auntie Muriel died last week and we are to attend her funeral next Monday. She was a lovely old lady, big smile, big hearted up to the end and I am sure she will be missed. Joseph's mum is looking so frail and so is Lily despite her brave protestations that all is well.

At least they are old ladies!

Tomorrow would have been Glyn's birthday, his 67th. I always wonder what he would make of the world we live in now, because even in the time since he died in 2004 the world has changed almost beyond recognition. Politics would dismay him, technology would astound him, the state of the world would make him despair. I cannot think of what he would say about anything current and that makes me sad. Once I would have known how he might respond. These days I just lack either information or imagination. That upsets me because we were together for nearly 30 years, and that ought to mean that I knew him well enough.

Its that old teaser, time. Edges blur, focus shifts, it is impossible to play the "what if" game anymore. I don't know whether that is somehow something lacking in me, or whether that is just a feature of being a survivor of widowhood. Being remarried might have something to do with a change of perspective, a chance to re-evaluate. I feel as though not ten but tens of years have passed me by. I can't get a grip of what I am supposed to do with this gift of extra time.

I wonder whether its my fault, or whether the fault lies in the fact that we are out and about so often and I get so exhausted? I don't know. But surely I can find the path I should be taking? After all this time, after all these years?

Anyway. Happy birthday Glyn. Not forgotten today or any day.

The Scottish Play

We saw an excellent raw production of Macbeth from the Globe theatre at our Light Cinema. I loved it as I love all the productions we have seen since the series started. I don't think I have ever seen a cruder Tempest but still wonderfully done from the Globe but my favourite productions have been Peter Grimes done by ENO and King Lear by the National Theatre who have also given us Warhorse andThe Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night. I love theatre and opera and ballet and this gives us a chance to see these things unclose as they say. It has become a favourite way of going to the cinema.

The weather has been glorious except for Friday when it rained all day and I was full of pain. I need to get some handle on what is happening to me to make the pain so much worse. I want to live without pain and in happiness.

guild night

So to Rhos for our embroiderers guild meeting. i felt my time had been wasted when about 20 minutes and a few slides in the speaker said that that was that and we could go and look at her work and her workbooks, which were interesting but not spectacularly so. I can do without work based on car parts and air filters, concept art which doesn't particularly interest me.Maybe that was my fault but we had had a lovely day up to that point looking at a wonderful new exhibition in Ruthin craft centre of which more when I get the photos done, and possibly I was not really in a mood to be receptive.

Today the weather is glorious and we are stuck here as I get the washing and ironing done for going away to Southampton. I hope its worth it!

70th birthday greetings

Today would have been Brendas's 70th birthday so J and I had a day out in her honour. We went to Chester Zoo because that was a place that she liked, and that we both really enjoy. The best part of the trip today was seeing the Spider Monkey who did a trapeze artist dismount and more or less fell through the tree he was aiming at. Monkeys always fascinate me, their hands, their faces, their tales especially when they are prehensile like those of the spider monkeys. It was only a quick spin through the zoo as it was crowded and we can go back when the human animal babies are back at school. Some schools are back already after Easter but not all as we discovered.

Next we had lunch at The Bells in Christleton and excellent it was too, pizzas, tea and a biscuit. We tried to go to the antiques emporium whose name I have forgotten which is south of Nantwhich but the traffic!!! There were queues everywhere including queues to get off roundabouts. We went to Nantwich in the end, and spent a half hour in the Oxfam shop there. The woman in charge told us that  she had been asked to take a personal delivery of some books and CDs and she had agreed thinking that there might be a van full. In the event, two removal lorries turned up. These had belonged to someone who had ended with just enough room to sleep in. A moral there methinks.

Thence to Bunbury and a coffee in a pub, where I sat with dripping hair, and the dog was made a fuss of and given treats which she really doesn't need. And finally home.

This is the second time this week that I have been soaked to the skin and I have a sore throat. I have fingers crossed that it will subside and my cough improve before we go to Petersfield.

Son back off ship yesterday but I have yet to hear from him and we are supposed to be going down there come Friday. I wish we hadn't booked now. It would be easier to be ignored at home than if we have made the trip down and are made to look like fools by a no-show. Oh well! Plus ca change as I have said on more than one occasion in my life.

And just to finish.. a photo of Marthadog. xx

A New Start

I have finally decided to invest in myself and my belief that one day I will write something that matters. To this end, here is the first posting on my brand new Mac. It cost a small fortune but it feels great, the screen is wonderful, I will be able to use my photos directly all being well, and I will be able to start to write here by a bright and sunny window in a chair that is remarkably comfortable seeing that I have been sitting here for a good couple of hours trying to get everything sorted out.

It is still hard to spend money on me. I just feel guilty all the time. Guess that is how I will be for the duration

Josephs mum is in a home. We had a huge drama yesterday when she basically had either a panic attack or a temper tantrum. Not sure which. Anyway, she has been for an EKG and thankfully there was nothing too untoward for an old lady of 89. Her BP and Kidneys were fine as mine are not... So now there is a pow-wow to decide whats next and I am not sure what they will do, they being Christine and Hilarie my sisters in law and J my hubby. Interesting times.

Thats fine for this posting but how easy it all is on this machine.

2014

I am so ashamed of myself - its nearly the end of Feb 2014 and I haven't even looked at this blog for such a long time.
I don't have writers block I have a block abour writing itself. Perhaps I know that once I do start everything else will fall away and I will be jealously guarding my time, and at the moment we do a lot in our lives and I don't want anything to interfere with that precious commodity - time.

Time is a curious concept. We have clocks to measure it, so time must be progressing at the same rate every day, so why is it that time seems to run ever faster for me. I can't begin to believe that I lost Glyn nearly 10 years ago. TEN years. Its the same as from 10 years old and at school to 20 and being away at the Academy and learning about life. Ten years is a huge amount of time. No wonder Proust wrote so much about it in La Recherche etc etc. And so does, in a much smaller and more accessible way, Penelope Lively in her book Ammonites and Leaping Fish which deserves many quotations being copied out.

We were in Spain just a month ago, watching the hills turning into brides covered in confetti as the almond trees came out in blossom. This year, more than ever, it was the country that called to me and not the hotel or Nerja in particular. If I were alone I would live there, endure the summers but love the rest of the time, and it is only really bad around July and August. Oh well. That was another life. Life after Life as Kate Atkinson might have put it.

I miss the mountains, I miss the views, I miss the sun and the depth of blue in the sky. I miss the lovely relaxed atmosphere which is so much a part of the country. I love the language although I don't speak Spanish. I just would love to go back and go back soon, It will be next year though before we do which is a shame.

Now, here in Leeds, its dark and damp. I suppose that the diagnosis of COPD that was finally put onto my records has rattled me. I am fed up not of coughing, but of the exhaustion that comes with the condition. But, I will not be defeated. I will live in the sun by the sea one day. I will.

Another day..

A nice day today apart from the pain in my back which is still overwhelming at times, especially in the morning when I first wake up and I think I will never move again. Joseph took me out for lunch and we went to a little cafe bar called The Olive Tree which is a Turkish restaurant. We shared mezzes and then had a wrap each and coffee. Nice food and we will definitely go there again.

I spent some time tidying as we are going back to Wallasey tomorrow and I hate coming here and finding a mess. I have enjoyed this short stay and wish this flat was somewhere other than Leeds as I love the flat but have grown to dislike Leeds intensely. I hardly ever go into the city centre, and if I do I get out at the first opportunity, and the roar of the traffic is incessant as we are bounded by Harrogate Road and also the Ring Road which are busy all day long. The flat itself is a little haven of peace. Even the work in the flat below doesn't disturb the sense of calm in the space itself, and I am wondering if we can transfer this elsewhere, by buying somewhere on the Welsh Coast or even somewhere like Mold or Ruthin - if they are affordable!

I played around with some expandaprint on fabric and have two backgrounds that I really like so I will sort them out when I get back to Wallasey - they need mounting and backing fabrics and I need to choose them carefully. I also need to finish Abigail's cardi so that I can get on and knit something else - that has just blocked everything for some reason and its annoying me. I only need to actually work about another 10 rows - but its complicated and I have put it off and put it off. No more dilly dally -  I will do it tomorrow.

I am wondering about returning to study philosophy and get on with the ethics course that Joseph paid for. I also am considering applying to do a city and guilds course but as I am always looking at that perhaps I should really do it. It is just the thought of endless samples, but then I might find some inspiration for design ideas. Just wondering as ever.


 

musings

I named the blog thinking I might take the chance to "muse" awhile here and I don't appear to have done so. I have been so resistant to the idea of writing at all, and that is a puzzle. I enjoy seeing the words appear on the screen in front of me, I feel that sometimes I do have something of interest to say, but most often I seem to let the moment pass by. Which is a shame for me if not for anyone else. After all, if I don't write down what I am considering, perhaps it is the same as never having considered that thought at all. An unexamined life, perhaps?

Perhaps its the fact that I live fairly quietly and that in the end other people are neccessary for a flow of ideas? Perhaps its the fact that I live in a lot of pain and am taking heavy duty drugs to try to control some of it? I don't know the answer. I think that writing might be a way out for me, a way to reconnect with the past, to relive some of the occassions that brought me the greatest joy or sadness, to reconnect with the things I used to live for which include music and my piano. One of my greatest regrets is that the music has been silenced. I would play and improvise and enjoy the feel of the keys under my fingers and that doesn't happen too often anymore. I need a music room that is private, where nobody can hear what I am doing, and then I think I would regain some of that pleasure, part of which was physical - the joy of playing - and part of which was the love of piano music and how I could express so much of what I was feeling through my playing.

So what should I turn to first?
a) the memory of childhood?
b) my teenage years
c) my time in London - which I still dream about. In fact, I dreamt about it again only a couple of nights ago.
d) my marriage to Glyn and leaving faith.
e) life as an exile from family, life on the dole, life at the edge in Scarborough.
f) the jobs I had before I returned to music.
g) motherhood, being a wife,
h) being a teacher
I) being widowed
j) Spain!
k) falling in love again, remarriage, moving into a widowers house and selling the family home
l) having adult children who are so far away and what that means
m) my new life
n) Pain
o) being Jewish
p) the things I have loved - stitching, reading, music and what they have meant and mean and new interests.
q) treatment at the hands of the medical profession.
r) learning to love again after being widowed.
s) complicated grief - why, and how it affects me.

Those seem to be whole chapters of books in themselves and it is daunting to start to put them in some kind of order. But if I just lay out these words and put things in - rather like a pointillistic painting - then the whole picture could eventually emerge?

Let me start then at the beginning. Its something I want to do.

 

Laburnum arch at Bodnant

This was the first time we had actually managed to see the Laburnum arch at Bodnant and it was worth the wait, although I would have like to see it at a slightly less crowded time! There were many more species in full bloom - azaleas, rhododendrons, and my favourite wisteria. I would love to grow wisteria and will do so once I know where we are going to live full time. I have loads of pictures of the arch and will use them to do some embroidery in due course.

Bee photos!







Bee friendly flowers

 

 

back at last

I fell out of bed on Friday morning.
I had been feeling a little better about pain matters, so this was a blow. I hurt my neck, my right arm which I caught on the bedside table, my back, and my left wrist. So this morning (its 1.16am Monday morning) I got up gingerly but..
We went to Sledmere House this afternoon. The gardens were glorious and full of interesting plants and bee friendly flowers, so I have lots of bee and flower photos which I will put on later today. Then a trip down memory lane for me - we went to Filey. My recollections of Filey are muddled to say the least. I went with my parents when I was small, and I remember my first view of the sea which seemed, as we approached it from a hill, to stand vertically. I will never forget that astonishment that something so big could exist.
Joseph and I went up into the country park where I remember going for a picnic with Glyn the summer before he passed away. But we took the children to Filey as well, and I can't remember whether it is the memory of my childhood of their childhood which triggers such strong memories. I don't feel emotional about it as these are happy memories whichever generation they belong to. I think that we took Abigal and Cris to Filey so that they too could have good memories of their childhood. But, as I hardly see them or speak them I can't ask. Sad.
We drove over the Wolds going and coming, and what a difference a few hours makes. We arrived in glorious sunshine, and the views were spectacular. I love the Yorkshire Wolds but they don't seem to be too well known. Good. I want them to exist as they are, rolling hills, agricultural land. and some of the best views in Yorkshire. We came back in torrential rain which flooded parts of the road. So much water fell in such a short space of time.

Tomorrow is downloading photos and doing some stitching as I have an exhibition to prepare for! And yes, my neck and back and arm still hurt very badly. But its only pain and pain is not me, and pain will not of itself kill me!
 

winter weather

I think today is supposed to be winter's last blast. I hope so, it seems to have been going on forever. I am beginning to struggle to keep cheerful in any way but hopefully spring will come eventually. I think having had no summer last year - it just rained endlessly - and having only had a short holiday in Spain this time has made this winter just feel endless. I think I have read myself almost to a standstill, I can't seem to knit or sew without making endless mistakes, and my brain feels as though it is turning into mush, ie something soft and useless.
Perhaps tomorrow will be better.

New Year 2013

Like almost everyone else I hold my breath at the start of the year and wonder whether humanity will turn into the light or into darkness. The news as always seems unhappy - the present government setting people against each other, the rape in India which was so horrific is has brought rioting to Indian cities, the legacy of James Saville esq and his murky ways which have, despite the murk, illuminated other murky individuals.

Personally I am trying to turn into the light. I am trying to see what it is that might bring fulfillment. So these are in lieu of new years resolutions!

1. Writing - this blog, my memoirs, anything but I need to write.

2. Stitching. I want to finish the pieces I have started and go on an embroidery course this summer.

3. Family. I want to learn not to miss my two kids. They are adults now, they are reasonably ok if I see them seperately from each other, but together they revert to being two children together and are objectionable if not downright tude. A little more distance might be the solution.

4. Organisation. I want to organise my home a little better, but not stress about it. It gives J no pleasure whatsoever if I do stress, and quite frankly, if he is happy with things as they are, I have to be as well. I don't have the physical strength or energy to make things perfect anyway, so why make myself miserable? So I will do what I can, when I can and not sweat the small stuff.

5. Health. I want to try to stay away from the doctor's surgery as much as possible this year. It took me a long year to get my diagnosis of cervical stenosis. I had a huge scare when a dizzy GP thought I had COPD - I think I had a URTI or that I have some form of asthma which announces itself with a dry cough. Anyway - having had the scare of my life, I just want to stay away from doctors as much as I can. I have medication to deal with pain now, and I just need to organise my days out so that I get as much rest as I need so that my pain levels stay manageable.

Other than that? I just want to learn to crochet, to knit on circular needles (!), I want to keep my book blog and to re-read as well as read. And not to spend too much money on yet more books...or wool...or fabric... And I want to listen to my CD collection.

But my main desire is to finally write.
And so I will

Life's lessons.

Four weeks ago I went for an MRI scan, The Central Pain Syndrome has been getting worse and then came a new pain that has caused cramp and red hot pins and needles in my left shoulder and arm, The diagnosis came back that I have stenosis in my cervical spine and unless I want surgery I will have to endure. I was upset with the diagnosis, but relieved that something had actually shown up. I will never know whether the pain in my arm has actually always been spinal stenosis because I have had two MRI scans of that area and have never been given a  result. The reports went "missing" once and the image was blurred on the second.

I knew that something had shown up because the woman in the Xray room was very kind when I got out of the awful machine - I nearly had a panic attack and a few times had to remind myself to keep breathing! My head was actually clamped and I think it was the feeling of being totally trapped that added to the panic!

One of my friends now has a diagnosis of a tear in one of her lumbar discs so now she is starting on the long road to recovery and I know from bitter experience how it is going to be. Perhaps I should write a book about THAT! All the books about bad backs concentrate on excercises and physio etc. but there isn;t a book that explains how to deal with back pain in a domestic setting - how to sit, how to lie, how to get walking, what to do around the house, what to avoid (lifting!!), what to do about shopping and so on.  I remember all too clearly having to walk with crutches as my back injury slowly healed. I can't remember now what I did to hurt myself so badly and at one point I never thought I would be able to walk without a stick again.

I wonder about living in pain and whether it has taught me anything at all. Sometimes I think it has stolen the life I should have lived, and sometimes the 20 years seem the only life I could have lived. I wish I could stop worrying about small things and just concentrate on enjoying the life I do have. Most of the time I am happy. I like to get out into the countryside - that makes the biggest difference, and I love to go and watch the sea come in especially when the weather is rough.

What I don't need is to listen to my mother in law saying "How the other half live...."  when we tell her that we have made holiday plans.
What I don't need is unnecessary stress.
What I hate is dark rainy weather.

What I do need is warmth, laughter, music, a good book, a wonderful day out, and the love of my husband above all.
What I need is space and time and the feeling of being cherished.

What I need is to be allowed to laugh and be free of sadness. The grief never goes away but like the pain I am in - it is absorbed into one's life so that this is now the only life I can envisage. Pain and grief follow some of the same patterns - the shock, the disbelief, the long slow road to some sort of recovery of self. I had never thought of the two that way and it is something that I ought to explore.

Perhaps this post is incoherent and I should delete it, but I will let it stand for now.

Musings!

I labelled this blog "musings"because I originally intended to use this space as somewhere to muse, to ponder, to give voice to some ideas. I had not thought that it would be a picture blog but it seems that thats what is happening. I always intend to blog what is current, and yet - and yet- it seems that when the time comes to write I find myself resisting the call.

I read somewhere that if you have a call that you strongly resist - that is the work you should do and it seems that writing here is what I ought to do so that I can return to writing. I am not sure why I stopped. No, that isn;t true. I just wonder, when or if I write, who is it for, what does it matter, will anybody anywhere read what I write? Talking to my philosophy guru Geoffrey Klempner recently I mentioned that I wanted to write my memoir and he asked why I thought anyone would read it. I don't think he was being unkind. I have to ask the same question. Why does it matter? What do I intend by writing a memoir? Revenge? That is unkind. Sympathy for me? I don't want sympathy. Information? Possibly. A good read? Well yes, definitely!

I would love to return to writing seriously. Perhaps the call is getting stronger. I think I will have to go and answer.

Autumn days

 We have had some beautiful days out this Autumn around Cheshire and North Wales and although my camera is not particularly good I have taken some photos that I quite like. Lots of photos of the natural world because it is in their final defiant display that trees and plants are both beautiful and fragile. And the colours have been stunning this year.

 I love seeing ornamental cabbages used as plants. They always look so cheerful!

 This photo was taken late in the afternoon (the day that the clocks went back!) and we were at Audlem following the Tour(Taith) of South Cheshire.

 This lovely ethereal view was taken from a pub we found above the Cheshire Plain - we think it was called The Pheasant. Fabulous views and the food looked good as well.

 Beautiful fragile leaves/

 A late sunflower.

 The trunk of a Scots Pine - and now they are under threat as well,

 These views of trees makes me wonder what the effect of losing Ash trees and possibly Scotch Pines will be on the landscape.

 Just a quick reminder of one of my favourite areas in North Wales.

 And a picture of a Maple. How stunningly beautiful at this time of year.

The beauty of the natural world.

I think these photos speak for themselves. I am not a wonderful photographer, I don't have a wonderful camera, and my hands are not always steady. But I love taking these snaps to remind myself of the wonder of this world which nothing but human stupidity can spoil.

 

 

 

 Sunset on the Lleyn Peninsula.

 

 These leaves looked so fragile.

 

 Sunset from the beach at Wallasey. If you click on the picture you get some idea of the scale of the view. The views are enormous and when I am away from the sea I long to be back, windy weather an'all!

On not studying ethics.

I am having an argument with myself at the moment. It goes something like this...

Last year was spent happily doing the Introduction to Philosophy course at Philosophy Pathways run by the wonderful Geoffrey Klempner. I have been struggling to find the mental energy to do the next course which is an ethics course. I seem to have run out of steam.

 Partly this is because the Central Pain Syndrome, with which I struggle,  has become so much worse. The pain medication I take knocks me out - we have great days out, but without them I couldn't cope at all, as they serve as distraction therapy, as does dyeing wool, crafting, reading and just gently pottering around the house which is something I enjoy doing as well. Pottering is a good description. Some of this and some of that.

I feel that to study ethics is to study human nature. I am not entirely convinced that there can be any one conclusion about any situation - but then there has been so much lately that has been, in my eyes, morally reprehensible, from governments to individuals, and perhaps there is no point in studying moral philosophy as nobody appears to behave in a moral way.
If ethics can't change the selfish way in which we live, then what is the point of studying ethics?

And if the bad people always get away with it - whatever it may be - then is there any point at all in being good?

Of course, if you are Lance Armstrong you might not think that being bad has actually succeeded, but of course in some sense it has, because the whole sport that he represented has now been tainted with the scandal. Jimmy Saville's name is becoming synonymous with nastiness. Our millionaire politicians have no idea whatsoever about how people really live and our PM used the death of his own son (unbelievable) to make his party trust him whilst he and his fellows in government make the lives of disabled, sick and vulnerable people even worse.

Meanwhile the party in the Middle East goes on apace. And Barak Obama is fighting for his job in the USA and heaven help us if Romney wins.

Where does classical ethics fit in to all of this? And will it even begin to answer the question that always haunts me - how to come to terms with the Holocaust? What meaning can possibly be derived from the loss of so many people? And so many others who died in that war?

So I open the course material and I think - yes it is interesting, and yes I can understand most of it, but how does it actually help me to navigate the life I actually live? Perhaps it is not merely a lack of energy that holds me back but a growing sense of futility.

I will have to decide what to do soon. I would hate to give in or give up so I will have to find my way through all of this mental obfuscation.

A day out - and some wool.

 This was the rainbow we saw as we approached Castle Howard yesterday. I am sure the pot of gold must have been somewhere close-by. This was taken through the car window in a hurry so the quality isn't very good. The whole road ahead was shimmering in the light of the rainbow - I have never seen anything quite so magical.

 This is a view from the garden. The sun was shining at this point so we walked on into the grounds.

 This was the sky shortly afterwards...

 and here it is looking even more like a storm might be on its way. We managed to walk round, have a coffee outside and take photos in spite of the damp and the gloomy light. I always love photgraphing stormy skies. They look wonderful through a camera lens.

 

 

 I bought 400 gms of 4 ply and want to make a lace cardigan with it - I have the pattern. I dyed the wool simply by placing two colours into my dyeing pan and then putting the wool in. It is very random and I love not knowing how things will turn out. If I do more yarn dyeing I will have to weigh and measure, but I am not a weighing and measuring type of person. I have to knit some of the wool I have before I can justify buying more to dye!!