Well, I am 59 now and next December I will have my big birthday. I want this to be a year of achievement. I do not want to spend the time peering over my shoulder at what might have been, what should or could have been, whats been lost or what I might lose. I have enough problems dealing with health issues and I want to try to be positive. Its not easy. Blood tests, pain, medication, more pain...
Add to that my kids, and their uncompromisingly awkward relationship with me and with Joseph who they cannot accept as my husband, and sometimes my world feels quite hostile. I am not asking them to think of Joseph as their Dad - he is dead and gone and cannot be replaced, but Joseph is my most beloved husband now, and I might have hoped that they would be grateful that he was there for me. I do not understand the substance of their reaction, especially as they have not lived with me for years. I haven't understood them since I was first married in 2006 and things have not improved.
I need to turn my face fully to my husband, and our future, and my two will have to work things out for themselves. Its time! They are after all 31 and 26 now.
And now to my personal hopes and resolutions for 2011.
1. I want to work at my philosophy course and try to learn the vocabulary and really get to grips with the topics.
2. I want to eat less, walk more, lose a little weight to help my back and hips, and try to stabilise my health a little. I would like to keep my kidney function from dropping into kidney failure.
3. I want to keep my reading diary this year. I started well last year and forgot!
4. I would like to try and keep creating beautiful things and I don't want to buy any more stuff. I want to use what I have and enjoy it.
5. I would like to get back to playing the piano and finish writing my books of music for kids that I have started. (I am looking forward to getting a keyboard!!)
6. I want to drive again without being frightened.
7. I want to write - every day, somewhere, something
8. I want to try to be optimistic, cheerful, friends with those who need a friend without being desperate for a close friend if none is forthcoming. I do have people who care about me and that is enough.
I think thats enough!! I hope so anyway.