Wednesday, 3 March 2010

3rd March.........

Where did the last month disappear? One minute it was New Year and now it is the beginning of March. I am waiting to hear from Cris as to when he is getting back to the UK but as yet have heard nothing. I assume he will be here this weekend, but have no clue as to when or really how long. I hope he has organised somewhere in Amsterdam for a few weeks, but I would like to see him before he goes off again.

Abigail is coming to Leeds March 22-24th.

I am seeing my cousin Annie on March 13th or thereabouts.

I heard from my friend from the Royal Academy of Music, Neville Baird via facebook. What an amazing device for keeping in touch with people, but also - what an intrusive device if misused. But - never mind.

I don't know why I feel so depressed at the moment. The sun is shining - even though there is still snow around. There are signs of spring everywhere - lambs, bulbs pushing flowers up, longer days at last and so on and so forth. But still, I feel an overwhelming sadness that is to do with a feeling of wasted opportunities.
I am trying to evaluate them.
Parents - wasted years and especially the past 5 years which have been truly wasted because my sister Hannah didn;t put us in touch. I should have tried harder. I wish I had seen Mum before she became so ill. I wish I had had time to talk to her, ask her questions. And I wonder if I will get the chance to get to know my dad or whether that will be yet another waste.
Kids. Wasted opportunities here as well. Abs  - its her wedding on April 23rd and I don't know how to even start thinking about it. About the waste of love and care. And my son. And their unkindness to Joseph who has only ever been kindness to me and love. Unkind is the correct word to use. They have been singularly unkind and ungracious. I know it is a difficult relationship to get used to, when mum remarries in mid life, but surely, after 5 years, they might have started to learn to live in this new world?
Wasted time with music. My hands are so bad now, and I can't play anymore.
Wasted time teaching as there is nothing left of a big teaching practice.
Wasting time now as I can't settle to do anything at the moment.
Waste of time hoping for a relationship with my sister.

It just seems that I am in a depression - again - and am going to have to fight my way out of it - again. It was started because of Miller and his nastiness on my father's doorstep, and I will not forget or forgive him.

I was once asked what depression did for me. I thought it was a strange question but then I realised that, in blanketing everything out, it gave me a chance to be emotionally safe and acted as a buttress against the unkindess in the world. Maybe I should just allow the depression its reign, and then come out of it when the sun warms the earth up a little more.

Thank heavens for Joseph. At least he understands and he is there for me. I couldn;t ask for more at this time.

1 comment:

  1. There you are Sara! You will get better and better as you mess with your jewellery tools! Practice makes perfect Id say is so true with jewellery. Have you taken a class? They arent expensive and help out. I did. My husband was born in England went to school in Wales and lived in Connes Quay. (I know I spelled that wrong!) hes lovely! We miss the Uk its so rich with everything! My husb also plays paino as you do!