Tuesday, 30 July 2013


I named the blog thinking I might take the chance to "muse" awhile here and I don't appear to have done so. I have been so resistant to the idea of writing at all, and that is a puzzle. I enjoy seeing the words appear on the screen in front of me, I feel that sometimes I do have something of interest to say, but most often I seem to let the moment pass by. Which is a shame for me if not for anyone else. After all, if I don't write down what I am considering, perhaps it is the same as never having considered that thought at all. An unexamined life, perhaps?

Perhaps its the fact that I live fairly quietly and that in the end other people are neccessary for a flow of ideas? Perhaps its the fact that I live in a lot of pain and am taking heavy duty drugs to try to control some of it? I don't know the answer. I think that writing might be a way out for me, a way to reconnect with the past, to relive some of the occassions that brought me the greatest joy or sadness, to reconnect with the things I used to live for which include music and my piano. One of my greatest regrets is that the music has been silenced. I would play and improvise and enjoy the feel of the keys under my fingers and that doesn't happen too often anymore. I need a music room that is private, where nobody can hear what I am doing, and then I think I would regain some of that pleasure, part of which was physical - the joy of playing - and part of which was the love of piano music and how I could express so much of what I was feeling through my playing.

So what should I turn to first?
a) the memory of childhood?
b) my teenage years
c) my time in London - which I still dream about. In fact, I dreamt about it again only a couple of nights ago.
d) my marriage to Glyn and leaving faith.
e) life as an exile from family, life on the dole, life at the edge in Scarborough.
f) the jobs I had before I returned to music.
g) motherhood, being a wife,
h) being a teacher
I) being widowed
j) Spain!
k) falling in love again, remarriage, moving into a widowers house and selling the family home
l) having adult children who are so far away and what that means
m) my new life
n) Pain
o) being Jewish
p) the things I have loved - stitching, reading, music and what they have meant and mean and new interests.
q) treatment at the hands of the medical profession.
r) learning to love again after being widowed.
s) complicated grief - why, and how it affects me.

Those seem to be whole chapters of books in themselves and it is daunting to start to put them in some kind of order. But if I just lay out these words and put things in - rather like a pointillistic painting - then the whole picture could eventually emerge?

Let me start then at the beginning. Its something I want to do.


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