A New Start

I have finally decided to invest in myself and my belief that one day I will write something that matters. To this end, here is the first posting on my brand new Mac. It cost a small fortune but it feels great, the screen is wonderful, I will be able to use my photos directly all being well, and I will be able to start to write here by a bright and sunny window in a chair that is remarkably comfortable seeing that I have been sitting here for a good couple of hours trying to get everything sorted out.

It is still hard to spend money on me. I just feel guilty all the time. Guess that is how I will be for the duration

Josephs mum is in a home. We had a huge drama yesterday when she basically had either a panic attack or a temper tantrum. Not sure which. Anyway, she has been for an EKG and thankfully there was nothing too untoward for an old lady of 89. Her BP and Kidneys were fine as mine are not... So now there is a pow-wow to decide whats next and I am not sure what they will do, they being Christine and Hilarie my sisters in law and J my hubby. Interesting times.

Thats fine for this posting but how easy it all is on this machine.

2014

I am so ashamed of myself - its nearly the end of Feb 2014 and I haven't even looked at this blog for such a long time.
I don't have writers block I have a block abour writing itself. Perhaps I know that once I do start everything else will fall away and I will be jealously guarding my time, and at the moment we do a lot in our lives and I don't want anything to interfere with that precious commodity - time.

Time is a curious concept. We have clocks to measure it, so time must be progressing at the same rate every day, so why is it that time seems to run ever faster for me. I can't begin to believe that I lost Glyn nearly 10 years ago. TEN years. Its the same as from 10 years old and at school to 20 and being away at the Academy and learning about life. Ten years is a huge amount of time. No wonder Proust wrote so much about it in La Recherche etc etc. And so does, in a much smaller and more accessible way, Penelope Lively in her book Ammonites and Leaping Fish which deserves many quotations being copied out.

We were in Spain just a month ago, watching the hills turning into brides covered in confetti as the almond trees came out in blossom. This year, more than ever, it was the country that called to me and not the hotel or Nerja in particular. If I were alone I would live there, endure the summers but love the rest of the time, and it is only really bad around July and August. Oh well. That was another life. Life after Life as Kate Atkinson might have put it.

I miss the mountains, I miss the views, I miss the sun and the depth of blue in the sky. I miss the lovely relaxed atmosphere which is so much a part of the country. I love the language although I don't speak Spanish. I just would love to go back and go back soon, It will be next year though before we do which is a shame.

Now, here in Leeds, its dark and damp. I suppose that the diagnosis of COPD that was finally put onto my records has rattled me. I am fed up not of coughing, but of the exhaustion that comes with the condition. But, I will not be defeated. I will live in the sun by the sea one day. I will.

Another day..

A nice day today apart from the pain in my back which is still overwhelming at times, especially in the morning when I first wake up and I think I will never move again. Joseph took me out for lunch and we went to a little cafe bar called The Olive Tree which is a Turkish restaurant. We shared mezzes and then had a wrap each and coffee. Nice food and we will definitely go there again.

I spent some time tidying as we are going back to Wallasey tomorrow and I hate coming here and finding a mess. I have enjoyed this short stay and wish this flat was somewhere other than Leeds as I love the flat but have grown to dislike Leeds intensely. I hardly ever go into the city centre, and if I do I get out at the first opportunity, and the roar of the traffic is incessant as we are bounded by Harrogate Road and also the Ring Road which are busy all day long. The flat itself is a little haven of peace. Even the work in the flat below doesn't disturb the sense of calm in the space itself, and I am wondering if we can transfer this elsewhere, by buying somewhere on the Welsh Coast or even somewhere like Mold or Ruthin - if they are affordable!

I played around with some expandaprint on fabric and have two backgrounds that I really like so I will sort them out when I get back to Wallasey - they need mounting and backing fabrics and I need to choose them carefully. I also need to finish Abigail's cardi so that I can get on and knit something else - that has just blocked everything for some reason and its annoying me. I only need to actually work about another 10 rows - but its complicated and I have put it off and put it off. No more dilly dally -  I will do it tomorrow.

I am wondering about returning to study philosophy and get on with the ethics course that Joseph paid for. I also am considering applying to do a city and guilds course but as I am always looking at that perhaps I should really do it. It is just the thought of endless samples, but then I might find some inspiration for design ideas. Just wondering as ever.


 

musings

I named the blog thinking I might take the chance to "muse" awhile here and I don't appear to have done so. I have been so resistant to the idea of writing at all, and that is a puzzle. I enjoy seeing the words appear on the screen in front of me, I feel that sometimes I do have something of interest to say, but most often I seem to let the moment pass by. Which is a shame for me if not for anyone else. After all, if I don't write down what I am considering, perhaps it is the same as never having considered that thought at all. An unexamined life, perhaps?

Perhaps its the fact that I live fairly quietly and that in the end other people are neccessary for a flow of ideas? Perhaps its the fact that I live in a lot of pain and am taking heavy duty drugs to try to control some of it? I don't know the answer. I think that writing might be a way out for me, a way to reconnect with the past, to relive some of the occassions that brought me the greatest joy or sadness, to reconnect with the things I used to live for which include music and my piano. One of my greatest regrets is that the music has been silenced. I would play and improvise and enjoy the feel of the keys under my fingers and that doesn't happen too often anymore. I need a music room that is private, where nobody can hear what I am doing, and then I think I would regain some of that pleasure, part of which was physical - the joy of playing - and part of which was the love of piano music and how I could express so much of what I was feeling through my playing.

So what should I turn to first?
a) the memory of childhood?
b) my teenage years
c) my time in London - which I still dream about. In fact, I dreamt about it again only a couple of nights ago.
d) my marriage to Glyn and leaving faith.
e) life as an exile from family, life on the dole, life at the edge in Scarborough.
f) the jobs I had before I returned to music.
g) motherhood, being a wife,
h) being a teacher
I) being widowed
j) Spain!
k) falling in love again, remarriage, moving into a widowers house and selling the family home
l) having adult children who are so far away and what that means
m) my new life
n) Pain
o) being Jewish
p) the things I have loved - stitching, reading, music and what they have meant and mean and new interests.
q) treatment at the hands of the medical profession.
r) learning to love again after being widowed.
s) complicated grief - why, and how it affects me.

Those seem to be whole chapters of books in themselves and it is daunting to start to put them in some kind of order. But if I just lay out these words and put things in - rather like a pointillistic painting - then the whole picture could eventually emerge?

Let me start then at the beginning. Its something I want to do.

 

Laburnum arch at Bodnant

This was the first time we had actually managed to see the Laburnum arch at Bodnant and it was worth the wait, although I would have like to see it at a slightly less crowded time! There were many more species in full bloom - azaleas, rhododendrons, and my favourite wisteria. I would love to grow wisteria and will do so once I know where we are going to live full time. I have loads of pictures of the arch and will use them to do some embroidery in due course.

Bee photos!







Bee friendly flowers

 

 

back at last

I fell out of bed on Friday morning.
I had been feeling a little better about pain matters, so this was a blow. I hurt my neck, my right arm which I caught on the bedside table, my back, and my left wrist. So this morning (its 1.16am Monday morning) I got up gingerly but..
We went to Sledmere House this afternoon. The gardens were glorious and full of interesting plants and bee friendly flowers, so I have lots of bee and flower photos which I will put on later today. Then a trip down memory lane for me - we went to Filey. My recollections of Filey are muddled to say the least. I went with my parents when I was small, and I remember my first view of the sea which seemed, as we approached it from a hill, to stand vertically. I will never forget that astonishment that something so big could exist.
Joseph and I went up into the country park where I remember going for a picnic with Glyn the summer before he passed away. But we took the children to Filey as well, and I can't remember whether it is the memory of my childhood of their childhood which triggers such strong memories. I don't feel emotional about it as these are happy memories whichever generation they belong to. I think that we took Abigal and Cris to Filey so that they too could have good memories of their childhood. But, as I hardly see them or speak them I can't ask. Sad.
We drove over the Wolds going and coming, and what a difference a few hours makes. We arrived in glorious sunshine, and the views were spectacular. I love the Yorkshire Wolds but they don't seem to be too well known. Good. I want them to exist as they are, rolling hills, agricultural land. and some of the best views in Yorkshire. We came back in torrential rain which flooded parts of the road. So much water fell in such a short space of time.

Tomorrow is downloading photos and doing some stitching as I have an exhibition to prepare for! And yes, my neck and back and arm still hurt very badly. But its only pain and pain is not me, and pain will not of itself kill me!