Monday, 23 November 2009

Another home

So I am back by the sea in Wallasey, but haven;t been to the beach because the weather has been so atrocious,( the constant rain causing flooding in Cumbria on an unprecedented scale) and because there has been much to do here and I have also been ill - again. I must be run down mentally to be catching so many bugs.
I have had 2 chest infections and a virus/flu/bug over the last two months and tonight my throat is sore and I can;t breathe properly - again! This is getting too boring and is sapping my energy.

I am also feeling extremely anti-social. I want to guard my privacy at the moment, feel the need to be alone for periods of time and just think and stitch and listen to the radio. We are going to Spain in under a fortnight and I am getting ready mentally for that, and then for the onslaught of Xmas, with all that that means in terms of crowds in shops, food to buy, and missing family as well.

I need to get on with some writing but even that is difficult to achieve. J has decorated the hall here which is wonderful, and the place is now light and airy and clean, but there has been so much tidying up to do, and that combined with moving things to our new flat in Leeds is exhausting physically.

I tried to cut down painkillers thinking they were slowing me down but they aren;t - its just this bug, and when I tried to do without them for 48 hours my pain levels went through the roof and my tinnitus went from bad to worse. I went back onto the meds, slept properly again last night for a few hours and felt more like a human being today, so was able to catch up on a lot of chores. Living with chronic pain is like having an unwelcome guest to stay in your house, someone you don;t want there, and yet you can't get rid!! Neuropathy is cruel - invisible, and all engulfing, to the point of being terrifying at times. It is impossible to explain to anyone who doesn't suffer from the condition just how strange it is to have an arm that feels as if it is being burned/frozen/crushed/shredded and yet looks totally normal, and to have pins and needles everywhere if there is so much as a breeze in the room. And yet this is how I have lived my life for the past 18 years, and the pain is getting worse.

That is why we are going to Spain and why I wanted the adventure of a second home. This is my life - here and now  - and I want to experience as much as possible in case my health doesn;t hold out forever. That haunts me and I know it haunts J.

I am going to settle down to write tomorrow evening. I can;t do 50,000 words in a month. But I can write 1000 words a day and that is enough for me to carve out the rest of my book and to recast my memoir. All that will have to change if I get to know my sister a little.

I haven;t written about that. We called in to see my parents. I hadn;t seen them for 35 years the first time I went about 7 weeks ago. This was my 3rd visit, and my sister H was there. She was friendly but guarded, and quite formal. I really liked her and just hope that we get to know each other a little better but it will have to be on her terms. I disappeared and it is not her fault that we are estranged. I was the one who ran away and complicated her life as a child. I cannot now imagine the pain and hurt that my family went through, but I had to do things my own way. I could not have grown in a fundamentalist religious household, I doubt I could have survived at all.
When I was young music was my religion, and Beethoven the God-like figure above all others. Now it is Bach I love above all else,  but music is no longer a religion. It still has the power to move me above all other arts or even religion itself, but it is now music and that is quite enough!

Well - enough for today. I think I will take my sore throat and cold to bed early tonight and try to get rid of them - again! Or should I say - yet again. I am sure much of this illness is stress related but even so I can't do anything but suffer this bug until it goes away. On Saturday I couldn't even get out of bed my temp. was so high, so at least I have managed to DO something useful today and restore order to our home - partially at least! I would so love to make it a palace...

I have been looking at books to get rid of - but it is an impossible task. They all look so inviting and I want to read them ALL. Oh well. We will have to live in our library rather than our palace! J won't mind.

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